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Old 27th September 2006, 09:36 AM   #1
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Mystery Park - an Obituary

Well, technically it’s not an obituary yet, but I’ve been known to be a very impatient person.

Not even three and a half years have passed since its opening, but apparently there's no hope left for Erich von Däniken's Mystery Park: What appears to be the last attempt at remediation has failed according to today's newspapers. The park's employees received their dismissals and the shutdown is scheduled for November this year.

The founder of the park, Erich von Däniken, is known best for selling millions of copies of his books, in which he progresses the controversial hypothesis that astronauts from outer space are responsible for the edification of ancient buildings on Earth. His books might read like a mix between astronomy and archaeology with a large amount of Perry Rhodan-esque Sci-Fi and some fantasy thrown in for good measure, but in no way does this diminish their extraordinary scientific worthlessness.

Observers point out that von Däniken's creative and unorthodox understanding of the word "evidence" is a major factor in his worldwide success, as is exemplified by his hypothesis that a tribe from Mali, called the Dogon, possessed astronomic knowledge about the invisible star Sirius B. I would go even farther than that and argue that this great man has single-handedly elevated the basic approaches of Just Asking Questions and Making Stuff Completely Up to the ranks of an artform.
Of course, the scientific community might still be struggling with his notion that the Cheops pyramid wasn't built by Cheops at all, and some die-hard skeptics still doubt that it really is a light bulb that's depicted in the ancient Egyptian temple of Hathor. Some critics even stoop as low as to note the apparent lack of originality in his theories and imply that he stole his ideas from Science-Fiction novels such as Manfred Langrenus' "Reich im Mond" ("Empire in the Moon"). However, the fact that virtually all of today's professional archaeologists, astronomers, historians and anthropologists disagree with von Däniken only goes to show how groundbreaking his work really is.

Mystery Park was this man's brave attempt to once again kindle the waning public interest in his ingenious ideas and to create a family-friendly place where parents could share their ignorance with their children and indoctrinate them in the finer ways of The Woo. The seven theme worlds of Mystery Park include deep and insightful archaeological studies, such as "Vimanas - Space shuttles for the ancient Indians?" and "MegaStones - a time machine for the high priests?". It's this subtle approach that has earned Mystery Park a name as a bastion of what some people like to refer to as "complete and utter bollocks".

Here’s to you young Mystery Park, passing away to find your well-deserved rest, exhausted from your financial struggle, mortified by the efforts of skeptic miscreants and shattered by the Swiss population's general lack of interest. Fare thee well, Disneyland of Woo.

No really, it’s a pity.
You need to think before you resort to hitting yourself with a fish. -Ali
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