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Old 8th March 2021, 04:34 PM   #38
Venom
Philosopher
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 5,173
Originally Posted by HansMustermann View Post
Ah, yeah, sorry about that. The rapture already happened on December 20'th 2012. Turns out the Mayans were counting down to SOMETHING all right.

Unfortunately almost nobody qualified. You lot obviously didn't.

Remember the part about "blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"? (Matt 5:3) Yeah, turns out it actually did mean the retarded.

Remember that part about "whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart"? (Matt 5:28) Yeah, turns out that the only way to qualify is to pretty much not have even heard of sex, much less thought of it.

So, anyway, long story short: the only ones who actually qualified were a husband and wife in rural Alabama, who had been praying for a child for almost 5 years, but nobody had told them that they have to meet God half way and do something about it themselves too. Allegedly their last words between being whisked to heavens in a flash of light were, "Wait... wait... we could have been putting what into where?"

Truly an inspiration to us all.

And yeah, Jesus did come down for the event, but is now on his way back to heaven. Well, after they finally sort out that mishap where the airport lost his luggage.
They will be telling Trump parables for decades to come.
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