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Old 13th January 2020, 11:52 PM   #1641
Norman Alexander
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
No.
Also can you fix my iPhone? And the Internet - it is running too slow.
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Old 14th January 2020, 01:01 AM   #1642
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
I have news!

Starting next week I'll be moving fully over on to Service Requests. From there they have a non-ongoing APS3 position to put me into, though we are on a recruitment pause right now because MoG. One of the TLs though - a 4 - is moving on to an APS5 position in Desktop Support in February, so that's going to open up a vacancy, and that is an ongoing position.

Things are definitely Looking Up.
That's awesome. Congratulations.
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Old 14th January 2020, 01:34 PM   #1643
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If you are super-picky about how documents look when they print out, you need to learn some basic Computer 101 level stuff about margins, font size, columns, headers & footers, etc and not have IT come out to redo them for every type of document you print out.

And some of the stuff you are asking me to do is literally impossible.

"The text is too small. I'm... *pause for dramatic effect* a poor widdle ole' woman and can't read it."

"Okay. I can make the text bigger."

"Okay well now it's on two pages. I want it on one page."

"Okay. Here's as large as I can make it the text before it spills on to another page. I can make the margins smaller."

"No I need the margins to make notes in."

"Okay I can print it portrait instead of landscape."

"No then it will go into the charts sideways and I don't like that."

"So you want me to make the text bigger without making it go onto another page, but I can't reduce the margins or print landscape?"

"Yes."
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Old 14th January 2020, 02:18 PM   #1644
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
If you are super-picky about how documents look when they print out, you need to learn some basic Computer 101 level stuff about margins, font size, columns, headers & footers, etc and not have IT come out to redo them for every type of document you print out.

And some of the stuff you are asking me to do is literally impossible.

"The text is too small. I'm... *pause for dramatic effect* a poor widdle ole' woman and can't read it."

"Okay. I can make the text bigger."

"Okay well now it's on two pages. I want it on one page."

"Okay. Here's as large as I can make it the text before it spills on to another page. I can make the margins smaller."

"No I need the margins to make notes in."

"Okay I can print it portrait instead of landscape."

"No then it will go into the charts sideways and I don't like that."

"So you want me to make the text bigger without making it go onto another page, but I can't reduce the margins or print landscape?"

"Yes."
And I can imagine the conversation between her and her work colleagues.

"That IT guy is useless, all I wanted him to do was make the text bigger and he made a right song and dance about it and then said he couldn't do it!"
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Old 14th January 2020, 07:16 PM   #1645
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I have moved to my new desk. The good news is that I still remember how to set up a PC.
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Old 14th January 2020, 07:30 PM   #1646
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
If you are super-picky about how documents look when they print out, you need to learn some basic Computer 101 level stuff about margins, font size, columns, headers & footers, etc and not have IT come out to redo them for every type of document you print out.

And some of the stuff you are asking me to do is literally impossible.

"The text is too small. I'm... *pause for dramatic effect* a poor widdle ole' woman and can't read it."

"Okay. I can make the text bigger."

"Okay well now it's on two pages. I want it on one page."

"Okay. Here's as large as I can make it the text before it spills on to another page. I can make the margins smaller."

"No I need the margins to make notes in."

"Okay I can print it portrait instead of landscape."

"No then it will go into the charts sideways and I don't like that."

"So you want me to make the text bigger without making it go onto another page, but I can't reduce the margins or print landscape?"

"Yes."
Easy solution: Truncate the document at whatever point it is at the end of the page. She obviously isn't going to read it, so content is pointless. It's just an eye-chart, really.
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Old 14th January 2020, 10:54 PM   #1647
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
I have moved to my new desk. The good news is that I still remember how to set up a PC.
You can always call the help desk....
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Old 14th January 2020, 11:24 PM   #1648
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Originally Posted by Darat View Post
You can always call the help desk....
Ahem. Service desk, thank you.
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Old 14th January 2020, 11:44 PM   #1649
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
I have news!

Starting next week I'll be moving fully over on to Service Requests. From there they have a non-ongoing APS3 position to put me into, though we are on a recruitment pause right now because MoG. One of the TLs though - a 4 - is moving on to an APS5 position in Desktop Support in February, so that's going to open up a vacancy, and that is an ongoing position.

Things are definitely Looking Up.
Sir Humphreys would be proud....
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Old 14th January 2020, 11:48 PM   #1650
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Originally Posted by Dabop View Post
Sir Humphreys would be proud....
Do you mean Sir Humphrey Appleby? I'm nowhere near his level of obfuscatory skill.
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Old 15th January 2020, 01:38 AM   #1651
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Yep...
Always loved the old Yes Minister and Yes Prime-minister series...
He was definitely the pinnacle of public service speak...
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Old 15th January 2020, 06:43 PM   #1652
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Originally Posted by Dabop View Post
Yep...
Always loved the old Yes Minister and Yes Prime-minister series...
He was definitely the pinnacle of public service speak...
Yes, those were great documentaries.
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Old 15th January 2020, 08:58 PM   #1653
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
If you are super-picky about how documents look when they print out, you need to learn some basic Computer 101 level stuff about margins, font size, columns, headers & footers, etc and not have IT come out to redo them for every type of document you print out.

And some of the stuff you are asking me to do is literally impossible.

"The text is too small. I'm... *pause for dramatic effect* a poor widdle ole' woman and can't read it."

"Okay. I can make the text bigger."

"Okay well now it's on two pages. I want it on one page."

"Okay. Here's as large as I can make it the text before it spills on to another page. I can make the margins smaller."

"No I need the margins to make notes in."

"Okay I can print it portrait instead of landscape."

"No then it will go into the charts sideways and I don't like that."

"So you want me to make the text bigger without making it go onto another page, but I can't reduce the margins or print landscape?"

"Yes."
What? You didn't try adjusting the kerning?
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Old 16th January 2020, 09:32 AM   #1654
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
If you are super-picky about how documents look when they print out, you need to learn some basic Computer 101 level stuff about margins, font size, columns, headers & footers, etc and not have IT come out to redo them for every type of document you print out.

And some of the stuff you are asking me to do is literally impossible.

"The text is too small. I'm... *pause for dramatic effect* a poor widdle ole' woman and can't read it."

"Okay. I can make the text bigger."

"Okay well now it's on two pages. I want it on one page."

"Okay. Here's as large as I can make it the text before it spills on to another page. I can make the margins smaller."

"No I need the margins to make notes in."

"Okay I can print it portrait instead of landscape."

"No then it will go into the charts sideways and I don't like that."

"So you want me to make the text bigger without making it go onto another page, but I can't reduce the margins or print landscape?"

"Yes."
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Old 16th January 2020, 02:54 PM   #1655
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Originally Posted by Norman Alexander View Post
Also can you fix my iPhone? And the Internet - it is running too slow.

Dogs. Dogs are the answer.

If your Internet is running too slow you need to get some dogs to chase it. The bigger the dogs the faster it will run.

Bees could work too, but they're harder to train. OTOH, they are easier to feed.
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Old 16th January 2020, 08:15 PM   #1656
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Originally Posted by The Greater Fool View Post
OK. Or line spacing?
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Old 16th January 2020, 08:39 PM   #1657
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Originally Posted by quadraginta View Post
Dogs. Dogs are the answer.

If your Internet is running too slow you need to get some dogs to chase it. The bigger the dogs the faster it will run.

Bees could work too, but they're harder to train. OTOH, they are easier to feed.
And kittens.
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Old 16th January 2020, 11:07 PM   #1658
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I continue to be mildly annoyed by people referring to software by the parent company name.

I just had a call from someone who was having trouble logging on to Cisco.

What were you trying to log on to?

Cisco. The 1800 number.

What he was actually trying to log on to is Cisco Finesse, a call center routing system. We use that ourselves. We call it Finesse.
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Old 19th January 2020, 08:18 PM   #1659
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
If you are super-picky about how documents look when they print out, you need to learn some basic Computer 101 level stuff about margins, font size, columns, headers & footers, etc and not have IT come out to redo them for every type of document you print out.

And some of the stuff you are asking me to do is literally impossible.

"The text is too small. I'm... *pause for dramatic effect* a poor widdle ole' woman and can't read it."

"Okay. I can make the text bigger."

"Okay well now it's on two pages. I want it on one page."

"Okay. Here's as large as I can make it the text before it spills on to another page. I can make the margins smaller."

"No I need the margins to make notes in."

"Okay I can print it portrait instead of landscape."

"No then it will go into the charts sideways and I don't like that."

"So you want me to make the text bigger without making it go onto another page, but I can't reduce the margins or print landscape?"

"Yes."
Reminds me of the classic grocery bagger's complaint: a little old lady demands all her groceries be placed into as few bags as possible, but the bags have to be light in weight.
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Old 19th January 2020, 08:44 PM   #1660
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
Reminds me of the classic grocery bagger's complaint: a little old lady demands all her groceries be placed into as few bags as possible, but the bags have to be light in weight.
How many pieces should I cut this pizza into? Six or eight?

Make it six. I couldn't eat eight.
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Old 19th January 2020, 08:51 PM   #1661
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I started training for my new job this morning.
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Old 19th January 2020, 09:08 PM   #1662
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
I started training for my new job this morning.
And posting here? Lunch break?
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Old 19th January 2020, 09:28 PM   #1663
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Originally Posted by Norman Alexander View Post
And posting here? Lunch break?
I've always posted during work. It's a frequent brief distraction that I use to help me do routine or repetitive tasks.
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Old 22nd January 2020, 07:36 PM   #1664
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So we have a procedure where if a person leaves the department or goes on extended leave, they are to submit an Exit Advice Notification (EAN) form so that we can remove them from distribution lists, account for owned assets and resources, and close their account. Sometimes people do not do this, and colleagues have to submit it on their behalf after they have left. It is always amusing how delayed this can be. The previous latest I had seen was someone who departed in July last year.

I have one here who departed on 30 June 2018. That's a record.
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Old 23rd January 2020, 03:02 PM   #1665
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When someone leaves here, the primary account must, by federal regulation, be disabled within 24 hours. All secondary accounts (stuff they could access but thatís blocked because the primary account doesnít work) removed/disabled within 30 days.

Itís a bit different here . Of course, part of what I protect is access to the power grid (including several nuclear plants).


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Old 24th January 2020, 11:37 PM   #1666
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At my workplace, from which I never post...

... the moment a person's end date is reached in the HR system, a process called "obituaries" runs and all of their access to EVERYTHING is deleted.

By EVERYTHING I mean:
ID card no longer opens doors;
ID card no longer operates lifts;
Every computer system on every domain;
Every email account (secure and non-secure);
ID card no longer operates time system.

All of this happens if someone forgets to put your contract extension into the HR system.

In 12 years, this has happened to me 3 times.



It takes a long time to fix.
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Old 25th January 2020, 08:40 AM   #1667
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Originally Posted by novaphile View Post
At my workplace, from which I never post...

... the moment a person's end date is reached in the HR system, a process called "obituaries" runs and all of their access to EVERYTHING is deleted.

By EVERYTHING I mean:
ID card no longer opens doors;
ID card no longer operates lifts;
Every computer system on every domain;
Every email account (secure and non-secure);
ID card no longer operates time system.

All of this happens if someone forgets to put your contract extension into the HR system.

In 12 years, this has happened to me 3 times.



It takes a long time to fix.
As a consultant with contracts of typically 6-9 months in duration this happens to me on a semi-regular basis.

The "funniest" incident was the time where someone had typoed the wrong expiry date into the system and all my access was revoked two months before my contract ended.
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Old 25th January 2020, 06:44 PM   #1668
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Originally Posted by erlando View Post
As a consultant with contracts of typically 6-9 months in duration this happens to me on a semi-regular basis.

The "funniest" incident was the time where someone had typoed the wrong expiry date into the system and all my access was revoked two months before my contract ended.
Yeah, I'm with you on that, one of mine was a typo.

After it happened the second time, I took steps to record all my access near the transition date, so it wouldn't take so long to restore if it went wrong.

The third time it happened was absolutely out of the blue, and I was caught flat-footed. (My termination date was a typo and I can't even see that system).
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Old 26th January 2020, 07:51 AM   #1669
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I may have told this story before. At the major bank I worked at someone updated the group directory to show me working in another area. This had all sorts of PITAs with access privileges etc so I contacted the team.
"Hi you incorrectly moved me from team A to team B. Please revert, thanks."
Them: "You will have to follow correct procedure and get a change request signed by your senior manager. We will review and it should be actioned in a few weeks"
Me : "Better idea since we follow ITIL here, right? You give me the Change Request number this work was done under and I raise an incident ticket marking it as a failed change for you to revert the whole change. After all we should follow process"
Them "We'll make the change tonight. It will take effect tomorrow.."
"Thank you".
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Old 26th January 2020, 04:55 PM   #1670
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Originally Posted by Wudang View Post
I may have told this story before. At the major bank I worked at someone updated the group directory to show me working in another area. This had all sorts of PITAs with access privileges etc so I contacted the team.
"Hi you incorrectly moved me from team A to team B. Please revert, thanks."
Them: "You will have to follow correct procedure and get a change request signed by your senior manager. We will review and it should be actioned in a few weeks"
Me : "Better idea since we follow ITIL here, right? You give me the Change Request number this work was done under and I raise an incident ticket marking it as a failed change for you to revert the whole change. After all we should follow process"
Them "We'll make the change tonight. It will take effect tomorrow.."
"Thank you".
Oh thank you. We're supposed to be ITIL. I am so going to use this new magic sword that you've given me...
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Old 27th January 2020, 06:36 AM   #1671
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Last month IT decided it would be a good idea to preserve laptop battery life by pushing system setting updates that stop all laptops in the company from charging batteries beyond 75%.

That may be feasible for some workers who stay at their desks all day, but a great many workers here spend nine hours a day in meetings or travelling between sites.

Now every meeting is a fight for power outlets. Very few of us have the knowledge or access (God bless whoever forgot to delete the temporary Windows 7 testing admin account!) to change power settings.

Today I have a two hour meeting with a cross-section of bigwigs from all over the company. It starts at one PM, when everyone's power should be running low. I happen to be familiar with the room we'll be in, and know that it has no outlets reachable from the tables. This is going to be fun.
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Old 27th January 2020, 09:41 AM   #1672
The Man
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
Last month IT decided it would be a good idea to preserve laptop battery life by pushing system setting updates that stop all laptops in the company from charging batteries beyond 75%.

That may be feasible for some workers who stay at their desks all day, but a great many workers here spend nine hours a day in meetings or travelling between sites.

Now every meeting is a fight for power outlets. Very few of us have the knowledge or access (God bless whoever forgot to delete the temporary Windows 7 testing admin account!) to change power settings.

Today I have a two hour meeting with a cross-section of bigwigs from all over the company. It starts at one PM, when everyone's power should be running low. I happen to be familiar with the room we'll be in, and know that it has no outlets reachable from the tables. This is going to be fun.
For some reason my company laptop never says it's charging when plugged in. I have to shut it down and leave it plugged in (I also leave it open as I don't know if closing it would make a difference) in order for it to charge at any level. One of the main reasons for having the laptop is to be free to move around the plant, to where ever the problem is, with it.
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Old 27th January 2020, 09:45 AM   #1673
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I have two kinds of laptop users.

"I literally have not once ever removed my laptop from the docking station on my desk and essentially just have an expensive, hard to upgrade desktop."

and

"I never plug my laptop in and nothing short of RTG that NASA uses on deep space missions is going to last long enough to keep me satisfied."

The battery thing TragicMonkey mentions does seem odd to me though. That kind of battery condition maintenance has been essential for a couple of technology generations now. Unless there is some variable I'm not getting someone is operating off out bad info.
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Old 27th January 2020, 11:00 AM   #1674
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Stop telling me you are "stupid with computers" or some version of that. We design this to be very easy and in plain English.

What you really want to say is "I'm too lazy to do this right". Especially when I have to tell you how to open tabs in Safari and how to find the Apps folder in OS X on your own Macbook.
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Old 27th January 2020, 08:05 PM   #1675
arthwollipot
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Originally Posted by novaphile View Post
Oh thank you. We're supposed to be ITIL. I am so going to use this new magic sword that you've given me...
We're not technically ITIL, but in practice we are. The area I'm moving into is Service Requests.
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Old 31st January 2020, 02:02 PM   #1676
novaphile
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
We're not technically ITIL, but in practice we are. The area I'm moving into is Service Requests.
Interesting.

I've often struggled to understand your workplace, but this helps...

I think the equivalent for us would be "Desktop Services" i.e. anything to do with installation or configuration of software installed on a person's computer.

I'm at the far end of that chain. I maintain a large application which is still partially under development, and often have to perform data updates, and in the non-production environments database schema updates (as well as all sorts of unusual system configuration at the back end of that application).

However I also receive a lot of incidents and service requests, typically to do with failures in the insanely complex systems integration space.

Weirdly, I have to raise service requests to get anything changed on my own computer. Typical turn-around is three weeks. (This is a nightmare)

Now imagine a host file, that you need to change three times a day, and you can't because your have been forced to use a locked-down desktop.

I'm thinking of building a pirate VM somewhere in the computer room so that I can get my work done...

I used to have VMs for each client deployment for each environment to get around this, but the powers that be have decided we are not allowed to do that anymore.

You can see why I'm counting down to retirement.
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Old 31st January 2020, 02:06 PM   #1677
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It's not "my email systems'" fault that you emailed a scan of your driver's license and social security card to an e-mail group that was roughly 1/3rd the company instead of to just the 4 HR people. Best I can do is show you how to recall an e-mail. Also the original e-mail from HR instructed you specifically to NOT e-mail your documents but scan and upload them to the company portal, probably for literally exactly this reason.

Also the

COMPANYNAME__SPECIFIC_OFFICE_LOCATION__HR_REPS(AT) COMPANYNAME.COM

that you were trying (wrongly) to send to isn't even similar to the

COMPANYNAME__ENTIRE_GODDAMN_COMPANY__TOTALLY_OTHER _GROUP(AT)COMPANYNAME.COM

that you actually sent it to.
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Last edited by JoeMorgue; 31st January 2020 at 02:10 PM.
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Old 31st January 2020, 03:25 PM   #1678
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
Last month IT decided it would be a good idea to preserve laptop battery life by pushing system setting updates that stop all laptops in the company from charging batteries beyond 75%.

That may be feasible for some workers who stay at their desks all day, but a great many workers here spend nine hours a day in meetings or travelling between sites.

Now every meeting is a fight for power outlets. Very few of us have the knowledge or access (God bless whoever forgot to delete the temporary Windows 7 testing admin account!) to change power settings.

Today I have a two hour meeting with a cross-section of bigwigs from all over the company. It starts at one PM, when everyone's power should be running low. I happen to be familiar with the room we'll be in, and know that it has no outlets reachable from the tables. This is going to be fun.
I recommend:
A long gang-socket.
An external battery pack.
A bootable thumbdrive with a password editor.
Arsenic.
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Old 31st January 2020, 07:46 PM   #1679
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Originally Posted by catsmate View Post
I recommend:
A long gang-socket.
An external battery pack.
A bootable thumbdrive with a password editor.
Arsenic.
A stack of blank AttaBoy cards.
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Old 1st February 2020, 04:04 PM   #1680
quadraginta
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Originally Posted by catsmate View Post
I recommend:
A long gang-socket.
An external battery pack.
A bootable thumbdrive with a password editor.
Arsenic.

The long extension cord and gang outlet solution has a possible side benefit.

You could rent the extra outlet space to less foresighted attendees.
"Ladies? Gentlemen? The bidding will commence fifteen minutes before the meeting begins. After that it's a flat rate."
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