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Old 24th May 2022, 10:46 PM   #1081
a_unique_person
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Classic.
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Old 25th May 2022, 05:01 AM   #1082
Filippo Lippi
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Candles. You should have used candles
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Old 25th May 2022, 09:31 AM   #1083
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
I just spent three hours in order to prove to someone that if you're using age-based calculations and run your data twenty days apart, some people are going to have had birthdays and thus their calculated values change. They didn't believe me so I had to show it in spreadsheets with colors.
Have you considered culling the more stupid of your co-workers? There are some excellent toxicology books around.
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Old 25th May 2022, 09:42 AM   #1084
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
I just spent three hours in order to prove to someone that if you're using age-based calculations and run your data twenty days apart, some people are going to have had birthdays and thus their calculated values change. They didn't believe me so I had to show it in spreadsheets with colors.
Time, it’s very complicated!
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Old 25th May 2022, 10:37 AM   #1085
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Originally Posted by catsmate View Post
Have you considered culling the more stupid of your co-workers? There are some excellent toxicology books around.
We all work from home now. I enjoy the elimination of the commute but there is a distinct drawback in murder opportunities.
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Old 25th May 2022, 11:49 AM   #1086
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
We all work from home now. I enjoy the elimination of the commute but there is a distinct drawback in murder opportunities.

Don’t think of it as a list opportunity, think of it as a challenge to greater creativity!

Order that Russell’s Viper from Amazon and have it delivered to your co-worker’s house!

Counterfeit Facebook posts from a coworker where he calls the local biker gang a bunch of limp-waisted pansies!

Start a rumor that Jenny over in accounting is the one that ratted out Tony “Strangulator” Marcosi to the cops!

Have a Speed Limit 120 mph sign put up on your neighbors street!

Hire local kids to paint Eldritch symbols on your coworkers roof to summon the demonic swarms from the Tele-Tubbie dimension to devour their soul!

There are still endless possibilities for a suitably crafty and motivated murder-dispensator!


Sent from my volcanic island lair using carrier pigeon.
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Old 26th May 2022, 06:56 AM   #1087
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I don't know why companies insist upon robust backbones with (sometimes multiple) redundancies in power and connectivity and then just have shoddy, janky, last mile setups.

Like, and I hate this because it usually occurs in regards one of the systems we don't actually own but support still falls on us but we have a LOT of "Business essential, can't go down, we loss a gazillion dollars every second this system is up" kind of things where we provide, often at great cost to the client, very robust data and power redundancies right up to the point we stop owning the system and then it's a cobbled together mess that gonna go down if you sneeze near it.

Okay so like one of my clients biggest... things are these three huge tractor trailers that hold an MRI or PET Scan machine that can move to different sites. It allows them to provide diagnostic imagining services at all of their sites instead of just at the major hospitals and it really gives them a business advantage give how massive Jacksonville as a city is and how hard transportation can be for many of their patients. It's a like big core part of their business and one of their biggest money makers as well.

The support for the actual trucks is covered by the company that makes the trucks and whoever owns the imaging device, usually Siemens or GE Medical.

And as you can imagine the amount of data a MRI or PET scan produces is not going to work over mobile data (although now with Businesses class 5g we are looking into that as either a backup or primary in the future), so for now the trucks have to physically connected via ethernet at each site. We worked to install weather protected posts outside with redundant ethernet drops, Cisco Merakis to create VPN tunnels, alert systems to tell us when anything is down.

The result? A wonderful robust, carefully monitored backbone to support a million dollar medical imaging devices connected to a custom workstation... that goes down constantly because they do all their scheduling, ordering, and e-mail on a crappy laptop with no battery and 3 missing keys.

And stuff like this happens all the time. An entire process goes down because the IT part is made robust but the business part of the process includes an old lady sitting at a PC that's... like a PC plugged into the wall. Not even an UPS. The site's switch cabinet will have 2 UPS that can keep it up for hours, maybe even days if necessary but the connectivity to the site is handled by a Comcast Business modem that just sitting on the floor.
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Old 26th May 2022, 07:07 AM   #1088
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
I don't know why companies insist upon robust backbones with (sometimes multiple) redundancies in power and connectivity and then just have shoddy, janky, last mile setups.

Like, and I hate this because it usually occurs in regards one of the systems we don't actually own but support still falls on us but we have a LOT of "Business essential, can't go down, we loss a gazillion dollars every second this system is up" kind of things where we provide, often at great cost to the client, very robust data and power redundancies right up to the point we stop owning the system and then it's a cobbled together mess that gonna go down if you sneeze near it.

Okay so like one of my clients biggest... things are these three huge tractor trailers that hold an MRI or PET Scan machine that can move to different sites. It allows them to provide diagnostic imagining services at all of their sites instead of just at the major hospitals and it really gives them a business advantage give how massive Jacksonville as a city is and how hard transportation can be for many of their patients. It's a like big core part of their business and one of their biggest money makers as well.

The support for the actual trucks is covered by the company that makes the trucks and whoever owns the imaging device, usually Siemens or GE Medical.

And as you can imagine the amount of data a MRI or PET scan produces is not going to work over mobile data (although now with Businesses class 5g we are looking into that as either a backup or primary in the future), so for now the trucks have to physically connected via ethernet at each site. We worked to install weather protected posts outside with redundant ethernet drops, Cisco Merakis to create VPN tunnels, alert systems to tell us when anything is down.

The result? A wonderful robust, carefully monitored backbone to support a million dollar medical imaging devices connected to a custom workstation... that goes down constantly because they do all their scheduling, ordering, and e-mail on a crappy laptop with no battery and 3 missing keys.

And stuff like this happens all the time. An entire process goes down because the IT part is made robust but the business part of the process includes an old lady sitting at a PC that's... like a PC plugged into the wall. Not even an UPS. The site's switch cabinet will have 2 UPS that can keep it up for hours, maybe even days if necessary but the connectivity to the site is handled by a Comcast Business modem that just sitting on the floor.
I've always suspected that deep in the bowels of the starship Enterprise there's an old guy with a broom who periodically smacks a piece of machinery when it gets stuck, and that's what keeps the ship running.
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Old 26th May 2022, 08:54 AM   #1089
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
I've always suspected that deep in the bowels of the starship Enterprise there's an old guy with a broom who periodically smacks a piece of machinery when it gets stuck, and that's what keeps the ship running.

His name is Jeffries. He lives in the tubes.


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Old 26th May 2022, 09:43 AM   #1090
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Originally Posted by Hellbound View Post
His name is Jeffries. He lives in the tubes.


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Old 26th May 2022, 12:55 PM   #1091
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Dear User,

It is not my place to say what machine your job should run on except to say that the machine you choose to run it on should actually exist.
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Old 26th May 2022, 02:28 PM   #1092
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I am becoming a curmudgeon: I can hear a term new to me and instantly hate it and everyone who uses it. "Data lake". I want to drown people in a real lake now.
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Old 26th May 2022, 03:25 PM   #1093
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It's technical name is "Data Swamp".
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Old 26th May 2022, 03:26 PM   #1094
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"One source of Truth".

Oh, the humanity.
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Old 26th May 2022, 05:34 PM   #1095
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
I am becoming a curmudgeon: I can hear a term new to me and instantly hate it and everyone who uses it. "Data lake". I want to drown people in a real lake now.
Surely that's the project name for the new Intel processor.
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Old 26th May 2022, 05:35 PM   #1096
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Originally Posted by a_unique_person View Post
"One source of Truth".

Oh, the humanity.
Heh. This week at my work the "source of truth" for one particular matter is in trouble because two people found mistakes--contradictory mistakes that aren't compatible with each other. The source of truth is definitely wrong, but we don't know whether it's wrong the way the first person claims, wrong the way the second person claims, or wrong in a third way nobody's detected yet. And a big pile of my work is going to have to be re-done when and if anybody figures it out. Fun times...
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Old 26th May 2022, 07:08 PM   #1097
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Our Corporate Directory relies on two separate and non-connected Sources of Truth. IT manages one of them, and HR manages the other.

And nothing ever goes wrong.
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Old 26th May 2022, 09:43 PM   #1098
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
Our Corporate Directory relies on two separate and non-connected Sources of Truth. IT manages one of them, and HR manages the other.

And nothing ever goes wrong.
Oh, you, too, huh!
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Old 26th May 2022, 09:48 PM   #1099
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
I just spent three hours in order to prove to someone that if you're using age-based calculations and run your data twenty days apart, some people are going to have had birthdays and thus their calculated values change. They didn't believe me so I had to show it in spreadsheets with colors.
Originally Posted by Filippo Lippi View Post
Candles. You should have used candles
Finger puppets. Honest to deity, some staff are that so far down the brain scale...
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...our governments are just trying to protect us from terror. In the same way that someone banging a hornets’ nest with a stick is trying to protect us from hornets. Frankie Boyle, Guardian, July 2015
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Old 26th May 2022, 09:49 PM   #1100
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
We all work from home now. I enjoy the elimination of the commute but there is a distinct drawback in murder opportunities.
Proxy. Have one of the on-site staff do it for you. Nice alibi too!
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...our governments are just trying to protect us from terror. In the same way that someone banging a hornets’ nest with a stick is trying to protect us from hornets. Frankie Boyle, Guardian, July 2015
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Old 26th May 2022, 09:58 PM   #1101
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Originally Posted by Hellbound View Post
His name is Jeffries. He lives in the tubes.


Sent from my volcanic island lair using carrier pigeon.
Pay that.
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...our governments are just trying to protect us from terror. In the same way that someone banging a hornets’ nest with a stick is trying to protect us from hornets. Frankie Boyle, Guardian, July 2015
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Old 27th May 2022, 12:56 PM   #1102
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
We all work from home now. I enjoy the elimination of the commute but there is a distinct drawback in murder opportunities.
Indeed. Oh well there's always remote delivery of computer "upgrades".
Did you know it's relatively easy to modify a generic mouse to deliver an electric shock?
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As human right is always something given, it always in reality reduces to the right which men give, "concede," to each other. If the right to existence is conceded to new-born children, then they have the right; if it is not conceded to them, as was the case among the Spartans and ancient Romans, then they do not have it. For only society can give or concede it to them; they themselves cannot take it, or give it to themselves.
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Old 27th May 2022, 12:57 PM   #1103
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Originally Posted by Hellbound View Post
Don’t think of it as a list opportunity, think of it as a challenge to greater creativity!

Order that Russell’s Viper from Amazon and have it delivered to your co-worker’s house!

Counterfeit Facebook posts from a coworker where he calls the local biker gang a bunch of limp-waisted pansies!

Start a rumor that Jenny over in accounting is the one that ratted out Tony “Strangulator” Marcosi to the cops!

Have a Speed Limit 120 mph sign put up on your neighbors street!

Hire local kids to paint Eldritch symbols on your coworkers roof to summon the demonic swarms from the Tele-Tubbie dimension to devour their soul!

There are still endless possibilities for a suitably crafty and motivated murder-dispensator!


Sent from my volcanic island lair using carrier pigeon.
All excellent ideas, worthy of the BOFH himself.
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As human right is always something given, it always in reality reduces to the right which men give, "concede," to each other. If the right to existence is conceded to new-born children, then they have the right; if it is not conceded to them, as was the case among the Spartans and ancient Romans, then they do not have it. For only society can give or concede it to them; they themselves cannot take it, or give it to themselves.
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Old 27th May 2022, 01:53 PM   #1104
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Us: "Users. Supplies lines are a mess right now and supplies of everything are limited, especially things like PCs, laptops, phones, printers. Please try to take care of your stuff."

Users: "What's that? I didn't hear you I was too busy spilling coffee on my laptop."
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Old 2nd June 2022, 01:49 AM   #1105
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One function of my role is to follow up incidents that are placed On Hold. If for some reason we need more information about an incident, we contact them and place the incident On Hold until they reply. This stops the SLA clock so we can't be penalised for waiting for them. We try to contact them again three days later if they haven't replied, then again three days after that. If they still haven't replied three days after the second contact, we resolve the incident with resolution code Caller Unresponsive. These followups are the task of the person on the late shift, which is usually me since I like working 1030 - 1900 and nobody else does.

All this background is to say that one of the most satisfying parts of my job is when I mark Caller Unresponsive on a job with *URGENT!!!* in the title.
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Old 3rd June 2022, 01:26 AM   #1106
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They've just given me a new chair!

Oh, this is so much better than the old crappy one. I think I might die in this chair.
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Old 6th June 2022, 01:13 PM   #1107
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Dear Users

There's ~400 users in the organization. Please give me full names in tickets. A first name or worse a nickname does me no good.
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Old 7th June 2022, 06:17 PM   #1108
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Dear users:

If you already have a ticket submitted for an issue, having additional tickets opened does NOT get your issue resolved faster.

In fact, now I have to spend time (in which I am not working on your issue) to find all the duplicate tickets you’ve opened, link them to the original, and close out the extras.

Not to mention that two different people may now be working your issue at the same time, which can greatly complicate diagnostics and troubleshooting.


Sent from my volcanic island lair using carrier pigeon.
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Old 13th June 2022, 01:16 PM   #1109
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Originally Posted by Hellbound View Post
Dear users:

If you already have a ticket submitted for an issue, having additional tickets opened does NOT get your issue resolved faster.

In fact, now I have to spend time (in which I am not working on your issue) to find all the duplicate tickets you’ve opened, link them to the original, and close out the extras.

Not to mention that two different people may now be working your issue at the same time, which can greatly complicate diagnostics and troubleshooting.


Sent from my volcanic island lair using carrier pigeon.
Same people that press the call button for the elevator again while waiting.
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Old 13th June 2022, 04:19 PM   #1110
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Originally Posted by gnome View Post
Same people that press the call button for the elevator again while waiting.
Or, worse, they're halfway up the building and waiting for a "down" elevator, but press the "up" call button in hopes it will bring the elevator to them faster. All that does is delay anyone going to the upper floors because now the car has to stop for a passenger who has no intention of getting on.
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The social illusion reigns to-day upon all the heaped-up ruins of the past, and to it belongs the future. The masses have never thirsted after truth. They turn aside from evidence that is not to their taste, preferring to deify error, if error seduce them. Gustav Le Bon, The Crowd, 1895 (from the French)
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Old 13th June 2022, 07:15 PM   #1111
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Or walk up to a group of people who are waiting for an elevator—and push the call button, because obviously the people waiting were too stupid to push it.
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Old 13th June 2022, 09:56 PM   #1112
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Then there is the number of times I'm in the basement with a cart and can't use the elevator because it's full of surprised people who couldn't be bothered to see that the arrow was pointing down, not up. Of course, if they hadn't pushed the down button to a floor they're not supposed to go to anyway, the elevator would have just bypassed them on the way down and and picked them up on the way up, getting them where they were going at exactly the same time without wasting mine.
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Old 13th June 2022, 10:10 PM   #1113
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Or pushing the button on a pedestrian crossing, then crossing anyway because the road is clear, completely oblivious to the fact that now you've pressed the button, cars have to stop and wait for nothing to happen.
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Old 14th June 2022, 02:18 AM   #1114
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WTF is uplift? Is that a variation of downput, updrop or downup?
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Old 14th June 2022, 02:36 AM   #1115
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Originally Posted by a_unique_person View Post
WTF is uplift? Is that a variation of downput, updrop or downup?
It's a when a client species has been "uplifted" to full sentience.
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Old 14th June 2022, 03:01 AM   #1116
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
Dear Users

There's ~400 users in the organization. Please give me full names in tickets. A first name or worse a nickname does me no good.
That's reminded me of one of my first jobs at a large company. I remember once having to hunt down someone called "Bob in accounts" as he has an issue raised by the FD because he apparently couldn't send the FD a report, no one in his department was called Bob or Robert or Rod or Rob.. asked for verification of the name got a rather nasty response in effect telling me how stupid I was and he wasn't going to do my job. It wasn't like I could physically walk into the accounts department and ask for Bob as they were in a different building miles away. Spoke to my boss, who explained that the FD was a **** but was the brother-in-law of the MD. I ended up having to email everyone (separately) in the accounts department to track down who it was who was having problems. Of course their name wasn't Bob, I can't remember what their name was but it was something like Neil - i.e. totally different to Bob. And there wasn't a technical problem, it was a Tragicmonkey special the FD wanted a report about something that wasn't in the data, not-Bob had tried to explain to him that they couldn't generate the report because they didn't have the data. But the FD wanted it so someone had to be at fault if he couldn't have it. Thankfully my boss at the time wasn't a complete arse and he did deal with it but I know my name was mud for quite sometime.
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Old 14th June 2022, 05:44 AM   #1117
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Originally Posted by Darat View Post
It's a when a client species has been "uplifted" to full sentience.
I know a species that could use this. In fact, I'm a member of said species.
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Old 14th June 2022, 06:58 PM   #1118
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
Dear Users

There's ~400 users in the organization. Please give me full names in tickets. A first name or worse a nickname does me no good.
I missed this. I get this all the time. We provide Premier Support for certain people - usually ministerial staff or the secretariat. These people have a special number to call which goes directly to the Premier Support team. If there is no-one from that team available to answer the call, we get it.

About 95% of the time, when they call they say "Oh hi, this is Jane, Ricky's EA." as that is sufficient ID. I'm sure the people in the Premier Support team know who Jane and Ricky are. They have only about a dozen callers in total. But I have something close to six thousand. I have no idea who Jane and Ricky are.
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Old 21st June 2022, 01:07 AM   #1119
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If I had Ultimate Power, I'd stop the capability that users have of logging incidents with us by email. They absolutely never provide any of the real information that we need to fix their problem. It always creates more work for us - we have to email them requesting additional information, they fail to provide it, we email them again to follow up, in a process that I have noted in an earlier post.

I just did a followup to an email that someone sent saying literally "My Chrome is not working". And that was it. That was the entire email. DETAILS PEOPLE! Come on!
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Old 21st June 2022, 02:27 AM   #1120
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
If I had Ultimate Power, I'd stop the capability that users have of logging incidents with us by email. They absolutely never provide any of the real information that we need to fix their problem. It always creates more work for us - we have to email them requesting additional information, they fail to provide it, we email them again to follow up, in a process that I have noted in an earlier post.

I just did a followup to an email that someone sent saying literally "My Chrome is not working". And that was it. That was the entire email. DETAILS PEOPLE! Come on!
Hey - they tried - they could have sent "the internet isn't working"
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