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Old 21st September 2022, 01:11 AM   #1481
arthwollipot
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I really, really wish it were feasible to stop accepting jobs by email.

90% of my on-hold followups are for incidents that were submitted by email with insufficient information to troubleshoot, or in some cases actually understand what the problem is ("Please fix my dock"). It's a huge waste of time.
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Old 21st September 2022, 01:15 AM   #1482
Norman Alexander
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
I really, really wish it were feasible to stop accepting jobs by email.

90% of my on-hold followups are for incidents that were submitted by email with insufficient information to troubleshoot, or in some cases actually understand what the problem is ("Please fix my dock"). It's a huge waste of time.
Simple spelling error...?
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Old 21st September 2022, 01:15 AM   #1483
arthwollipot
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Originally Posted by Norman Alexander View Post
Simple spelling error...?
We have no authority over that.
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Old 21st September 2022, 01:46 AM   #1484
Darat
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Originally Posted by Norman Alexander View Post
Simple spelling error...?
A company I worked at did an annual event - all senior bods got together to be told how great the company was - how well we are doing and how everything the people doing the work needed wasn't actually needed.

One of the few fun parts was examples of tickets sent to property and IT, one was something like "Please fix the bellend at the next desk, it is loud and annoying me." Apparently about the volume of the phones.... but I did wonder, I would have loved someone to have fixed the many... eh... bells I've had to sit next to that were too loud.
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Old 21st September 2022, 01:52 AM   #1485
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Yeah I've worked with some pretty loud bellends too.
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Old 21st September 2022, 10:55 PM   #1486
Norman Alexander
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
We have no authority over that.
Solution: Swap the O and I keys back again.
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Old 22nd September 2022, 01:31 PM   #1487
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Dear Coworker: if I write in an email chain "I'm not sure it's advisable to" that means "you are headed towards catastrophe if you do this". It's just expressed in a way that won't cause me extra work of getting involved beforehand but will cover my ass when the whole thing blows up in your face afterward.
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Old 22nd September 2022, 05:21 PM   #1488
Norman Alexander
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
Dear Coworker: if I write in an email chain "I'm not sure it's advisable to" that means "you are headed towards catastrophe if you do this". It's just expressed in a way that won't cause me extra work of getting involved beforehand but will cover my ass when the whole thing blows up in your face afterward.
Sometimes these people are not listening and won't be told.

You need to pick your targets with care, but some of them are good with: "I'm not sure it's advisable..."

Others need to be pulled up more firmly with: "I definitely do not advise..."

And then there's the few, the very few, who need: "JESUS ******* CHRIST, DONNY! YOU DO THAT AND WE ARE ALL DEAD! JUST DROP IT!, OKAY??!"
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Old 22nd September 2022, 08:27 PM   #1489
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Originally Posted by Norman Alexander View Post
Sometimes these people are not listening and won't be told.

You need to pick your targets with care, but some of them are good with: "I'm not sure it's advisable..."

Others need to be pulled up more firmly with: "I definitely do not advise..."

And then there's the few, the very few, who need: "JESUS ******* CHRIST, DONNY! YOU DO THAT AND WE ARE ALL DEAD! JUST DROP IT!, OKAY??!"
"I advise the following:

Unplug your computer from the wall.
Pick it up and take it into the bathroom with you.
Plug it into the nearest electrical socket.
Now, take out a gun and shoot yourself. Your ability with computers gives me no confidence that you could electrocute yourself successfully."
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Old 22nd September 2022, 09:21 PM   #1490
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Originally Posted by Norman Alexander View Post
Sometimes these people are not listening and won't be told.

You need to pick your targets with care, but some of them are good with: "I'm not sure it's advisable..."

Others need to be pulled up more firmly with: "I definitely do not advise..."

And then there's the few, the very few, who need: "JESUS ******* CHRIST, DONNY! YOU DO THAT AND WE ARE ALL DEAD! JUST DROP IT!, OKAY??!"
Oh, no no no no. There's no "we" in this; did you miss the bit where I covered my own ass? I am fine and will always be fine, because I know how to withdraw gracefully to a distance when things are about to go bad. I'm merely complaining that some people are too feckless to be helped within the limits of helpfulness I am willing to offer.
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Old 22nd September 2022, 11:15 PM   #1491
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
Oh, no no no no. There's no "we" in this; did you miss the bit where I covered my own ass? I am fine and will always be fine, because I know how to withdraw gracefully to a distance when things are about to go bad. I'm merely complaining that some people are too feckless to be helped within the limits of helpfulness I am willing to offer.
Of course!

My last example was referring to (1) an industrial chemical lab, (2) a nuclear facility, (3) Trump's White House.
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Old 28th September 2022, 08:56 PM   #1492
arthwollipot
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This is old, and in a few instances a little outdated (most service desks no longer allow drop-ins), but it still hits the mark pretty hard. Spoilered for length:

Memo from IT Department:

* When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

* Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from our video recording.

* When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.

* When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

* When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We don't even like eating food, we exist only to serve.

* Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

* When we do something as a favour in our own time at our own expense, feel free to criticise us.

* That's OK, we don't expect you to lift anything or get under your desk. Manual labour was part of our IT degree.

* When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's electronics in it. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call Computer Support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

* When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

* When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

* When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

* When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

* Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what is meant by "my thingy blew up".

* When you call someone in to fix a problem - but don't tell them about the other 10 problems until they physically arrive. That's OK - we can clear our schedule for the rest of the day.

* Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

* When your application can't do what you want, blame us. We write all the software that runs on your PC and can customise it on the fly. Bill Gates lets us do this.

* Remember the IT guy doesn't need to think - he has seen every problem before.

* If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.

* If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/NT/network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

* When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.

* Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

* When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

* When you think the network/e-mail/office application is going slow, call us as we have a button to press that makes it go back to it's normal speed.

* When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know about the problem.

* The instant you call us (on our mobile) we can see what's happening on your screen and can solve it instantaneously.

* Be aware that IT people don't need to use the toilet. So you have a right to be upset if we don't answer the phone.

* When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

* When an IT person gets in the lift pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?"

* When you lose your car keys, send an e-mail to the entire company. People need to know.

* Don't worry, we were sitting there waiting for your call. The whole day.
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