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Old 30th September 2021, 05:32 AM   #321
JoeMorgue
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
My theory is that the people who fuss the most about such things are the ones who do the least amount of actual work. There's a lady on my team who (in the olden days when we were still in the office) spent at least 80% of her working hours fussing about her benefits, her online learning courses, her chair, her cubicle, her supplies, her computer...everything except the actual tasks she was being paid to do. She occupied herself with the accoutrements of work, rather than the actual work.
Yeah I've got users like that. Them just setting down at their desk and logging in in the morning is this whole goddamn Japanese Tea Ceremony.

The giggling coyish "Oh it's my OCD, tee hee hee" thing is something I could never hear again and die happy.
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Old 30th September 2021, 07:23 AM   #322
Norman Alexander
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
Yeah I've got users like that. Them just setting down at their desk and logging in in the morning is this whole goddamn Japanese Tea Ceremony.

The giggling coyish "Oh it's my OCD, tee hee hee" thing is something I could never hear again and die happy.
Unplug their keyboard. They won't notice and can't work for days. Don't rush to fix it. Everyone else will get stuff done.
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Old 1st October 2021, 01:08 AM   #323
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Originally Posted by Norman Alexander View Post
Unplug their keyboard. They won't notice and can't work for days. Don't rush to fix it. Everyone else will get stuff done.
Change the layout. I recommend Canadian Multi-lingual........
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Old 1st October 2021, 05:58 AM   #324
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Old 1st October 2021, 06:13 AM   #325
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Just pop out the "m" and "n" keys and swap them.
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Old 1st October 2021, 06:17 AM   #326
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Make the mouse setting "super sensitive", and switch the display to 640x480 resolution with a ghastly high contrast pallet.
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Old 1st October 2021, 06:18 AM   #327
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Again people "LOL just screw with your users, it's so much fun" isn't an option for me.
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Old 1st October 2021, 06:40 AM   #328
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
*Groans, head into wall*

More desk moves. 8 of them. And at least 4 of them are users being moved back to their original desk.

Okay seriously someone reading this thread has got to have been a manager/supervisor at some point in an office setting. Please help me understand the constant need to arbitrarily move people.
My theory. It costs nothing and gives the appearance of action.
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Old 1st October 2021, 07:22 AM   #329
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
Again people "LOL just screw with your users, it's so much fun" isn't an option for me.
Never really been an option for me either tbh. Colleagues, yes. Nice to imagine though sometimes.
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Old 1st October 2021, 08:34 AM   #330
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
Again people "LOL just screw with your users, it's so much fun" isn't an option for me.
And probably a firing offense.
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Old 4th October 2021, 11:34 AM   #331
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Ideal Software Developers: "I understand my software build tool, which is why when I run it in an automated environment, I make sure it's set up to use that environment properly, same as I do when I'm developing locally and configuring everything by hand."

My Software Developers: "tHiS Is tOo cOmPlIcAtEd"
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Old 4th October 2021, 12:20 PM   #332
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Originally Posted by theprestige View Post
Ideal Software Developers: "I understand my software build tool, which is why when I run it in an automated environment, I make sure it's set up to use that environment properly, same as I do when I'm developing locally and configuring everything by hand."

My Software Developers: "tHiS Is tOo cOmPlIcAtEd"
At <Major Bank> I had to deal with both. I wrote and helped support a couple of systems and the big one was a, call it a service layer, that application programmers called instead of learning all the underlying stuff. We never heard much from the ISDs apart from clear questions. Other teams.....
We had a guy join us from one of the former teams and he was a real asset and a good guy. One time me and him were having a few beers after work and he vented a bit about my team's attitude to developers.
I may have mentioned this common interaction:
Us "Have you tried running this by your chief programmer?"
Them "I *am* the chief programmer."
Anyway he thought we had a very negative view of application teams. Then a few weeks later he answered my phone while I was getting a coffee. The guy, a chief programmer with 13 (10+3) years experience with that language in that environment asked to speak to me. Dave said I was away and could he help. The guy said "Well I got this email from him about how my problems were because I had a 'static' instead of a 'dynamic ' link to your programs and I don't know what that means."
Basically it means instead of calling our programs he'd told the build to copy our program into his so he would never pick up new versions.
Dave said "Oh that just means that you....".
The guy interrupts "No, no, no. I don't want to know what it means. Just tell me how to implement it."
Dave "Put the program name in quotes in <build thing>."
"Ok thanks."
Poor Dave was in shock for weeks. In that OS/language/build environment it's schoolboy stuff yet this guy has 13 years of accumulated ignorance. In that and another role I realised it was cultural, guys like Dave were all in teams with leads like Dave. Guys like Mr 13 were all in teams like him and produced guys like him. Many teams looked on RTFM the way the Papacy looked on Martin Luther.
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Last edited by Wudang; 4th October 2021 at 12:21 PM.
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Old 5th October 2021, 11:38 PM   #333
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Originally Posted by JoeMorgue View Post
Again people "LOL just screw with your users, it's so much fun" isn't an option for me.
It rarely is for anyone. But having a laugh about BOFH moves doesn't mean that we are actually going to do them.
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Old 6th October 2021, 04:53 PM   #334
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YouTube Video This video is not hosted by the ISF. The ISF can not be held responsible for the suitability or legality of this material. By clicking the link below you agree to view content from an external website.
I AGREE


The expert.

Been there, done that
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Old 6th October 2021, 05:56 PM   #335
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Originally Posted by a_unique_person View Post
YouTube Video This video is not hosted by the ISF. The ISF can not be held responsible for the suitability or legality of this material. By clicking the link below you agree to view content from an external website.
I AGREE


The expert.

Been there, done that
Never, NEVER admit to being an expert. Unless you are a consultant. In which case. always say "Yes, please pay me first."
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Old 13th October 2021, 10:27 PM   #336
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I remain unable to understand why people still don't get the idea that the more they behave like dicks to us, the less inclined we are to help them.
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Old 13th October 2021, 10:41 PM   #337
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
I remain unable to understand why people still don't get the idea that the more they behave like dicks to us, the less inclined we are to help them.
They think of it as "encouragement". They are Karens and Kens.
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Old 13th October 2021, 11:36 PM   #338
arthwollipot
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Originally Posted by Norman Alexander View Post
They think of it as "encouragement". They are Karens and Kens.
To be fair, this particular person was a project manager with a developer who hasn't been able to work properly for eight weeks, so they had a genuine reason to complain. But their attitude wasn't helpful.
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Old 14th October 2021, 05:04 AM   #339
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
I remain unable to understand why people still don't get the idea that the more they behave like dicks to us, the less inclined we are to help them.
When I have a stack of work of equal priority I do it in the order most convenient to me. If anyone pesters me with what I feel is undue attitude I move their request to the bottom of the stack. I consider this to be operating as an agent of localized karma.
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Old 14th October 2021, 05:22 AM   #340
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
When I have a stack of work of equal priority I do it in the order most convenient to me. If anyone pesters me with what I feel is undue attitude I move their request to the bottom of the stack. I consider this to be operating as an agent of localized karma.
There are people who are pleasant to work for and their work always seems to float to the top of the to-do list.

One in particular, I know is an odious man who I would not even want to have lunch with, but he is very pleasant via e-mail and makes it seem like I’m not even working when we have to really hash things out.

I was trying to think of a counter example, but we fired them all over the pandemic. I hope the new people work out.
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Old 14th October 2021, 06:51 PM   #341
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Originally Posted by Dr. Keith View Post
There are people who are pleasant to work for and their work always seems to float to the top of the to-do list.
Absolutely. I've got a few callers who are an absolute delight to talk to. I always go above and beyond for those people.
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Old 14th October 2021, 10:35 PM   #342
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We, apparently, are now taking voice mails. They're put through a voice-to-text, and in this case apparently a translation through Google Translate. We've been having a good old laugh at this one:

Quote:
Aquí Moni, Ajá. Pentecostés, puerta de tu padre o Pitágoras. Buena tarde. El fin de simple episodio para dar una vuelta por Internet que me ancho.

English
Here Moni, Aha. Pentecost, your father's door or Pythagoras. Good afternoon. The end of a simple episode to take a tour of the Internet that widens me.
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So take that quantum equation and recalculate the wave by a factor of hoopty doo! The answer is not my problem, it's yours.

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Old 15th October 2021, 06:16 AM   #343
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
We, apparently, are now taking voice mails. They're put through a voice-to-text, and in this case apparently a translation through Google Translate. We've been having a good old laugh at this one:
.....que?
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Old 15th October 2021, 08:13 AM   #344
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
We, apparently, are now taking voice mails. They're put through a voice-to-text, and in this case apparently a translation through Google Translate. We've been having a good old laugh at this one:
A UK based and an HK based colleague tried the translation system the bank paid a lot of money for. The HK guy could only make sense of the English -> Cantonese when he was given the original English and was then able to reconstruct it. His description was "you would need to be highly imaginative to work that out." My feeling was it was like a cryptic crossword clue where you have to know the 3rd and 4th meanings of words then drop a tab of acid.
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Old 15th October 2021, 08:16 PM   #345
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
Absolutely. I've got a few callers who are an absolute delight to talk to. I always go above and beyond for those people.

I would be mean to them. You are only encouraging dedendency.
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Old 17th October 2021, 10:53 AM   #346
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot
We, apparently, are now taking voice mails. They're put through a voice-to-text, and in this case apparently a translation through Google Translate. We've been having a good old laugh at this one:

Quote:
Aquí Moni, Ajá. Pentecostés, puerta de tu padre o Pitágoras. Buena tarde. El fin de simple episodio para dar una vuelta por Internet que me ancho.

English
Here Moni, Aha. Pentecost, your father's door or Pythagoras. Good afternoon. The end of a simple episode to take a tour of the Internet that widens me.
Shaka, when the walls fell. Kadir beneath Mo Moteh.
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"Any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from Science!" - Agatha Heterodyne
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Old 17th October 2021, 11:41 AM   #347
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I was thinking "penitenziagite! watch out for the draco who cometh in futurum to gnaw your anima! death is super nos! pray the santo pater come to liberar nos a malo and all our sin! ha ha, you like this negromanzia de domini nostri jesu christi! et anco jois m'es dols e plazer m'es dolors...cave el diabolo! semper lying in wait for me in some angulum to snap at my heels. but salvatore is not stupidus! bonum monsasterium, and aqui refectorium and pray to dominum nostrum. and the resto is not worth merda. amen. no?"
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Old 17th October 2021, 02:02 PM   #348
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Originally Posted by Wudang View Post
I was thinking "penitenziagite! watch out for the draco who cometh in futurum to gnaw your anima! death is super nos! pray the santo pater come to liberar nos a malo and all our sin! ha ha, you like this negromanzia de domini nostri jesu christi! et anco jois m'es dols e plazer m'es dolors...cave el diabolo! semper lying in wait for me in some angulum to snap at my heels. but salvatore is not stupidus! bonum monsasterium, and aqui refectorium and pray to dominum nostrum. and the resto is not worth merda. amen. no?"
You can shorten that to "covfefe".
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Old 17th October 2021, 10:24 PM   #349
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Originally Posted by Wudang View Post
I was thinking "penitenziagite! watch out for the draco who cometh in futurum to gnaw your anima! death is super nos! pray the santo pater come to liberar nos a malo and all our sin! ha ha, you like this negromanzia de domini nostri jesu christi! et anco jois m'es dols e plazer m'es dolors...cave el diabolo! semper lying in wait for me in some angulum to snap at my heels. but salvatore is not stupidus! bonum monsasterium, and aqui refectorium and pray to dominum nostrum. and the resto is not worth merda. amen. no?"
That's just a TragicMonkey copypasta...
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Old 18th October 2021, 05:50 AM   #350
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It's from
the movie The Name of the Rose, spoken by Ron Perlman's character Salvatore.
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Old 19th October 2021, 05:26 PM   #351
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"There is a three-day turnaround on New Starter Requests."

"So how long will my New Starter Request take?"

"...Three days."
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Old 20th October 2021, 07:31 AM   #352
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Dearest User: before you try to score office points by showing up someone else's error you should do a little research first to make certain the error is actually the fault of the person you're trying to show up. Definitely do not start out in email, copying their boss, your boss, their boss's boss, and your boss's boss. Why not? Because the person you're trying to show up might keep excellent documentation and notes and be able to prove in seconds that the error was actually the fault of your own boss. And you just pointed out your own boss's error to their boss.

Sincerely,
Somebody who keeps every relevant email, meticulously placed in folders by topic, and writes copious, dated, decision-relevant comments in his SQL.
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Old 20th October 2021, 10:09 AM   #353
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
Dearest User: before you try to score office points by showing up someone else's error you should do a little research first to make certain the error is actually the fault of the person you're trying to show up. Definitely do not start out in email, copying their boss, your boss, their boss's boss, and your boss's boss. Why not? Because the person you're trying to show up might keep excellent documentation and notes and be able to prove in seconds that the error was actually the fault of your own boss. And you just pointed out your own boss's error to their boss.

Sincerely,
Somebody who keeps every relevant email, meticulously placed in folders by topic, and writes copious, dated, decision-relevant comments in his SQL.
Excellent.
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Old 20th October 2021, 02:29 PM   #354
Norman Alexander
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
Dearest User: before you try to score office points by showing up someone else's error you should do a little research first to make certain the error is actually the fault of the person you're trying to show up. Definitely do not start out in email, copying their boss, your boss, their boss's boss, and your boss's boss. Why not? Because the person you're trying to show up might keep excellent documentation and notes and be able to prove in seconds that the error was actually the fault of your own boss. And you just pointed out your own boss's error to their boss.

Sincerely,
Somebody who keeps every relevant email, meticulously placed in folders by topic, and writes copious, dated, decision-relevant comments in his SQL.
Corollary: Read your job description. Pretty sure "Scoring office points" is never one of the bullet points.
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Old 20th October 2021, 02:41 PM   #355
TragicMonkey
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Originally Posted by Norman Alexander View Post
Corollary: Read your job description. Pretty sure "Scoring office points" is never one of the bullet points.
I think the guy in question is worried about his position. I can't think this is going to help with that, if so!
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Old 20th October 2021, 04:46 PM   #356
Norman Alexander
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Originally Posted by TragicMonkey View Post
I think the guy in question is worried about his position. I can't think this is going to help with that, if so!
Awesomely bad move, then! Even if he wasn't going to get put back in his box by a much better documented coworker. If you think your job is in jeopardy and you really want to keep it, the last thing you do is start throwing hand grenades like that. I speak from the experience of a much younger and sillier and unwiser version of myself.
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Old 20th October 2021, 10:32 PM   #357
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Of course I can provide a status update on a job for which you can provide me neither the job number nor the user ID of the person who logged it. Just one moment while I put on my Helmet of Clairvoyance.
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Old 21st October 2021, 02:26 AM   #358
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
Of course I can provide a status update on a job for which you can provide me neither the job number nor the user ID of the person who logged it. Just one moment while I put on my Helmet of Clairvoyance.
"And I think it was logged last week...or was it the week before...I'm not sure, I was an leave at the time and someone logged it for me and I don't know who. Anyway, it was about that thing on my computer at home. You know the one!"
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Old 21st October 2021, 07:36 PM   #359
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You know what I really love about this job? When the users don't trust us to do our jobs. We've got a request to do a thing on a certain date, they just have to phone us to confirm that it will be done on that date. Yes, we will do it on that date. Just could you damn well trust us? This is our job. This is our area of professional expertise. We know what we are doing.
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Old 22nd October 2021, 05:23 AM   #360
TragicMonkey
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Originally Posted by arthwollipot View Post
You know what I really love about this job? When the users don't trust us to do our jobs. We've got a request to do a thing on a certain date, they just have to phone us to confirm that it will be done on that date. Yes, we will do it on that date. Just could you damn well trust us? This is our job. This is our area of professional expertise. We know what we are doing.
I find it more offensive when they try to be cute about it by sending an email (copying your boss, of course) asking if there are "any barriers they can assist with that are preventing X being done on Wednesday as agreed." Especially when X is a ten minute query that can't be run until Wednesday because the relevant data gets extracted on Tuesday night. We're waiting not because the task takes continuous work over a span of time but because the task requires a scheduled prerequisite to occur. So now I have to humiliate them by replying to all (copying their boss) explaining it all again in terms a five year old would understand.

And of course I'll have the thing done by 7:35 a.m. on Wednesday but I'm not going to deliver it until 4:58 p.m. because there must be consequences.
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