Student Teaching: Am I Supposed to be THIS miserable?

Hi, folks;

I don't post on this forum topic often, but I'm having such a hard time and really need some advice from those who have been there. I hope I might ask for a moment or two of time, and a little help, please?

This is a long story, but I'd like to try to be brief, without leaving out important details. If anything needs clarifying, just ask.

I'm 47 last Saturday, female, and in my internship at a public high school, teaching English: composition 11, mythology, and Am lit II.

I'm not liking it much, at all.

First, I have to tell you about me. I'm trying to be factual, not to brag. I'm fairly intelligent, highly retentive of visual info, and also highly sensitive. If I get too stressed and have a bad day, my eyes "leak." It's crying, though it's not active crying. I don't mean to cry. I don't want to cry. I try very hard not to cry. I cry anyway. Not that I boo-hoo and sob--I don't make a sound. My eyes and nose get red, the tears start flowing, and they can't be turned off at will. It's very frustrating. I also have an abusive past, starting in grade school and continuing until age 31. No parental abuse; it was all peer and spousal abuse, mostly emotional.

The crying doesn't happen often; in fact, in almost 8 weeks, it's only happened twice, and I have been severely stressed. So, for me, I'm doing very well. I have never shed a tear in front of the students; not once. This happens only after classes, when I'm alone with one of my mentor teachers. I have two of them.

I teach three classes in the morning, and two after lunch. My morning mentor is "Jan," and my afternoon mentor is "Lil." They are both older than I, by about ten years. Our relationship is tentative--best word I can use. They seem to like me, but they also seem to disdain me somewhat.

I'm not sure I can describe this situation well enough for clarity. I'm already fumbling for how to say it. Okay: I feel as though my teachers are trying to help me, but at the same time, trying to sabotage me.

For instance: according to the information packet given to them and to me, I am to solo teach my classes for seven to eight weeks. The remainder of the time, I am to team-teach with them, as well as observe other teachers. This is to give me needed exposure to other teaching styles and strategies.

My teachers decided between themselves to stagger my solo start times, to make it easier on me to transition into my classes. So far, so good. I started teaching my two morning Comp classes from the first day of the semester. The Am Lit classes were to start three weeks after that, and the mythology...well, the mythology I am never going to get to teach solo. Jan loves her mythology class, and doesn't want to give control of it to me. She told me we would team-teach it, but "don't tell your supervisor. He doesn't need to know."

Nice. She breaks the rules, and makes me complicit. No, I can't complain: what would be the point? If my supervisor tries to fix the situation, she will know I told him and our relationship will be ruined. And if I tell him not to fix it, then what's the point in even telling him?

Then, when I asked Lil if she wanted me to teach Am Lit for seven or for eight weeks, she informed me that I would be teaching all of my classes all semester--they had decided it was best. Another rule violation. This time, I did tell my supervisor about it. He said that wasn't the way it should be done; my observation time is important, or they wouldn't have scheduled it.

Oh, he fixed it all right. I am now teaching the Comp classes solo for 13 weeks, and the Am Lit...well, she wouldn't budge. So I get a whole three weeks observation, for about an hour a day. I feel I am being used. The classes they gave me to teach are the ones they don't much like to teach. They kept their honors and AP classes, and told me I wasn't allowed to teach honors. Other members of my cohort are teaching honors classes in their placements, so I know my teachers lied. (I do know I can't teach AP without special training, so I'm not complaining about that.)

Point is, I don't think this is about what's good for the students, or for me, but for them. They don't want to take these classes back, and are trying very hard not to take them back. As stated, I feel they are taking advantage of me, but I also feel powerless to do anything about it.

Next problem: I have some students in my 6th hour who hate my guts for no better reason than that I am a student teacher. They are boys, for the most part: one ringleader, and two to three followers. Another student teacher from my cohort, who had his internship last term, was almost hounded out of the classroom by these same boys. Now, I don't expect or require all my students to love me, but I don't know how to deal with the hatred coming from these boys, which I have done nothing to deserve. My mentor Lil has told me I must learn to deal with it somehow, as I will always have difficult students.

I understand that, but I don't know how to deal with them, and it's getting worse. Today, two of these boys conspired during a group-work session to make another student cry (and succeeded), and then they began to work on me. I released the student to go to the library, because she was so upset. My mentor had left me alone in the classroom (and she's not supposed to), and I didn't know what to do.

I try not to let these boys know they have gotten to me on a personal level. I either keep smiling, or I adopt a no-nonsense mein, but I don't yell at them or get visibly upset. Today, one boy, who is nothing more than a hanger-on in the group, got up the nerve to challenge me and actually told me I couldn't control him, and there was nothing I could do.

I informed him that I could give him a zero for the day, since he'd rather bully people than work. He told me I couldn't do that, and I advised him to just watch me. I understand that when I turned my back, he called me a bitch, but I didn't hear it, and so can't report it.

All that is bad enough. The worst part, to me, is that I feel I don't know what I'm doing, and my mentors aren't being much help. Sometimes, when I ask for advice, they actually tell me I have to figure out what to do on my own. It's as if I'm going sky-diving, but I have to figure out how to fold and pack my 'chute all by myself, the first time out.

Lil hands me "The Jungle" by Upton Sinclair, and tells me to "teach it."

What's that mean? I don't know...I don't know how to explain what I don't know, but how do you teach a book? What are my objectives? What are they supposed to be learning? How do I make sure I get them there, wherever "there" is? When I ask, I'm told that's for me to figure out. "What do I want them to learn?" But I don't know what my options are or how to get there. Aren't they supposed to be instructing me in all that?

We finally got through The Jungle, but we all hated it, including me. Now we have begun Modernism, and I'm still just as lost. I need to teach some WWI poetry. I don't know how. We're going to view The Great Gatsby on film, next week, and then have a scored discussion. At last, something I know how to do...mostly. After that, some short stories.

I need help, here, and support, and I'm getting neither. If I complain, it will make me look bad.

What can I do? How do I teach this subject? I know English; I scored a 196/200 on the Praxis II, for content-area knowledge. But I don't know how to teach English, and my mentors are being as little help as possible.

My supervisor is aware there is a communication problem, but I didn't tell him. He simply observed how Lil treated me and spoke to me at our last meeting, and picked up on it. He said in my last observation form that I may have "to beg and plead for help from them."

Wha? Beg and plead?

Any advice would be welcome, and any advice on where to go to get the info I need on how to teach would be very, very welcome.

Thanks for your time.

(edited for typos)

Hi Slingblade,

I don't have any advice really. Just wanted to give you a mental hug and a pat on the back and say we really need good caring teachers, like you. Thanks for being one and going through all this.

I know others with teaching experience will be able to help, hopefully with what to do about the situation.

I'm hoping you get this stuff figured out soon and start finding that style and bliss you were going for in the beginning.

I'm rooting for ya.

Meg

I'm sorry you are going through this, Slingblade. It sounds really horrible. It does seem they are taking advantage of you.

I wish I could offer concrete advice but your situation is so different from mine. We do have some wonderful teachers on this board. I'm sure they will have some excellent wisdom to share with you.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.

Hugs.

TS

Thanks, Meg and TS. I really appreciate the support and encouragement, a lot.

I do enjoy my students; most of them, at least. I have many excellent writers in comp, and they enjoy my teaching style and give the best they can give. We have fun, but I still feel my fumbling style is letting them down, somewhat. I want to help them learn how to write well, how to enjoy reading, and how to use English to their best advantage. I just feel so ignorant.

I have many moments when I enjoy what I'm doing. But the problems are really bringing me down. You are so kind to comfort me.

Thank you.

I think teaching style develops over time with experience. I teach at the university level - a class of 800 first and second year undergrads and a class of 6 graduate students - so very different from your experience. University profs get no training at all. It is simply expected that we will know how to lecture effectively. I spent the first year in a daze similar to what you describe. I had no idea how to talk to 800 kids so that they would be it had some relevance to them. Even my AVs were wrong - the font was too small, too many words etc. etc - and my tests were far too hard. In the first and second year, my evaluations were poor to fair.

With time, I relaxed into it. I found what worked for me. My evaluations have improved dramatically.

You will find it too. It takes time and experience.

I wish I could offer some helpful advice, but I teach at a university and have never encountered any similar problems. It sounds like the problems are mainly caused by the "mentors", who are anything but helpful. They are violating the guidelines because they are lazy and want you to handle the scut work. The supervisor sounds like a bit of a dork, with the "beg and plead with them" advice. Why doesn't s/he do the job and get things straightened out?
And the droogies who act up in class and tell you that you cannot control them need to be stopped in a New York minute. At the college level, I can privately inform them that if their inapprpriate behavior persists, they will have to take a hike. They can drop the course or take an F.
You probably don't have that option.
I hope some other people here have some more helpful ideas, but I just wanted you to know that someone else heard you.
Jeff Corey

Hi, Jeff;

I do my best to stop them, and of course my every attempt makes them even angrier with me and more determined to chase me off. HA! Little do they know that they have nowhere near the power to make me leave that $30,000 in student loans has to make me stay!

I have few options with these boys, you're right. My mentors have told me not to send anyone to the office--I'll look as if I can't control the class if I do. My options with them are to sit them out in the hallway, or....wait. That's about it, really.

Lil has said she will send today's bad-boy to the office herself, so I won't be connected with it....but doesn't the office know I'm teaching that class? Ah well.

They have also told me that I will learn what I need to know, with a few years of teaching under my belt. But I still feel I am badly short-changing my students. And it's really hard to plan lessons a week in advance when I don't know what to do on a daily basis.

Thank you, however. I appreciate the support. I hadn't realized how much I needed it until folks began to reply. Now I am crying, for real, and hard. I feel so alone.

Thank you, thank you. It helps.

Slingblade,

I was a high school science teacher. I can remember my preservice days, and man, reading your post brought back memories.

I tried to become a teacher as soon as I'd finished my bachelor's degree in applied science. I lasted barely a couple of months in the course, mostly for what you've indicated, but also because I was running myself into the ground with a part time job and too much study. I'd burned myself out, and then was disappointed in myself when I quit teaching (not to mention I had no idea what I wanted to do).

I got a job in pathology, but made another go of the teaching thing years later once I'd figured it was where I was heading. I've not regretted making that decision, even though I'm now moving from education into science communications (hell, I might even go back to teaching after this anyway).

My preservice teaching was a mixed bag. I had the school from hell, and also had the best time at another school. But there was one thing I learned; deep inside there was something about teaching that made sense to me. It was hard, demoralising, and at times just plain emotionally draining, but there was something that made me get up and do it again the next day.

Why are you wanting to be a teacher? Honestly, do you think you have skills that will help you? Teaching is a damn hard profession. But if there is something deep inside that gets a thrill out of helping somebody see the world in a slightly different way, then there's reason to push on tomorrow.

There are plenty of control teachers out there, who will flout regulations and justify their retaining of 'favourite' classes from student teachers. You just have to keep your head down and make it through. Keep going, day after day, and know that as you get more resources and learn new skills, it will get easier.

This is the worst time for you. And first-year teaching will present just as many challenges, and you will have to continue to prove yourself to your students, to other teachers, to the community... But it will get better.

Send me a PM if you want to just vent, or want any help at all. I can give you a few tips on discipline and classroom management (I worked in eastend London; it doesn't get a whole lot harder than that).

Athon

Athon,
I'd like to hear a bit about classroom management myself. If the droogs are bigger than you, the "ALL RIGHT, THEN, SIDDOWN AND SHUT YER FESTERING GOBS UP!" may be a problem.

A bit of a derail. Once I flunked a student for blatantly cheating on the final exam. Her response was that her boyfriend was a lawyer for the Mafia and that if I flunked her, he would have me "taken care of."

"Doug Dinsdale? Yup, he did nail me 'ead to the floor. And me wife's to the coffee table."

Slingblade,

I am not a teacher, but I run classes for offenders in a correctional setting and my girlfriend is a first year teacher. Your post reminded me of several groups of guys that I've worked with. I can give you some advice that my girlfriend and I have both found useful.

1. Focus on the big picture. Even having these kids in your classroom instead of on the street is beneficial for them, even if you teach them nothing else. Trust me, having a caring, interested teacher at the front of the room is worth more than you may ever know.

2. This will pass. Your internship will finish, you will move onto another school, different classes, etc. You will improve. They will improve.

3. Make sure you are very familiar with your school's behaviour management policy. Know what you can and can't do with your students. Are you able to put them in "peer withdrawal", detention, etc?

4. Use basic behaviour management with your students. Use your ABC's. That is, Antecedent, Behaviour, Consequent. For example, "I have asked you to read silently (antecedent), if you continue to talk (behaviour) I will have you removed from my classroom (consequent)".

5. Allow your students to make choices. You haven't failed just because they decide to misbehave. Explain the consequences to them and allow them to choose. Don't beat yourself up, and don't take things personally. They do this to their normal teachers (that's why Jan and Lil don't want those classes), don't blame yourself!

6. Make it fun! I had a group of guys who wouldn't stop swearing. Every second word was c___, f___ or s___. In the end we made a card game where we each started with ten cards and you gave a card to someone else if you heard them swear. At the end of each session we gave out a prize to who ever had the least cards.

Good luck! My girlfriend really struggled during her practicals and I've had several times I've wondered if I'll ever be a "real" teacher. If deep inside you want to do it, then stick with it. I can still remember how happy my girlfriend was when she overhead one of her students say "that's my Japanese teacher, she's awesome".

Heh, I must admit, I've had kids threaten that their parents would 'do me in', but never the Mafia.

Classroom management is a tricky thing to balance. A lot of teachers go for the 'over-yell' technique, using emotion to control the class by showing that they're angry. The problem with that is that they often are angry, and that makes for poor class control.

There's no point in sitting and spelling out all of the techniques that are useful for good discipline. Firstly, they depend on the situation. Second, they work for me and might not work for another. Thirdly, it'd take a book of writing and even then I'd probably have more to say on it.

I can give a couple of useful tips that work for me, though;

Teenage kids are flexing their social wings, as it were. They want to climb the hierarchy and be popular amongst their peers, without exception. How they do this varies, but the bottom line is that all kids like to be praised. By having a good relationship with a popular teacher, most kids will feel they belong to the social order they live in every day and their lives will be easier.

So, first of all, be an understanding teacher. Note, this is not to say 'be one of the kids'. No kids will respect that. But, be fair and be approachable, and be yourself.

Next, reward works better than punishment. Reward all good behaviour you see, even if it's just with acknoweledgement. Physical rewards can be good, but a simple smile and a nod for the kid who makes an attempt at answering a question can do wonders.

For kids who misbehave, be consistent with your discipline (carry out ALL threats to the letter, even if you have to track them down for a week). And if you do get angry, quickly follow it up by being calm and polite with a kid who is doing the right thing. This shows that you've not gotten emotional over the behaviour of a student. Kids control teachers by provoking a response. Hence, if you do respond, show it is temporary and they have not succeeded in getting to you.

These are just a couple of tips that got me through some pretty hard classes. The worst thing you can do is let the kids get to you. They will sense it, and like sharks the real bastards will go for the old wounds and try to control you whenever possible.

Athon

And having just read screwdog's post, I can agree with every word. Damn good advice.

Athon

It sounds to me that you are dealing with two root problems, both of which boild down to dereliction of duty on other people's parts.

The first is that your supervisor is, metaphorically speaking, a lazy jellyfish entirely without testicles. They get paid to support you, not to let your mentors use you as their scut worker in breach of the rules.

Where's that bit...

Oh, he fixed it all right. I am now teaching the Comp classes solo for 13 weeks, and the Am Lit...well, she wouldn't budge.

Click to expand...

If this person "won't budge", it's your supervisor's job to invoke bigger and bigger sticks until they damn well do budge. Right now. They are in the wrong and they know it.

I imagine there are avenues for complaints about supervisors? Tell your supervisor politely but firmly that you are disappointed by their failure to fix your problem, that you expect them to do their job, that you will make a written complaint if they do not, and follow through on it if necessary. You are in the right, and as long as you make a stink and leave a paper trail that means you'll win.

Unless the system is totally corrupt, of course.

The second problem is your posse of evil students in your sixth hour. I say, damn the torpedoes and make them the principal's problem. You can't be expected as a student teacher to handle the worst of the worst, and it's the principal's job to back you up.

If their bad behaviour persists, then the principal has failed, not you.

It sounds like the system you are working within has developed mechanisms to shovel responsibility and trouble that properly belongs to the "real" staff over on to you. I wouldn't tolerate that, but then again I don't have $30 000 in student loans blackmailing me.

I would do some sniffing around and see if there is any support person, ombudsperson or similar entity hiding somewhere in the cracks of the system who can act as your headkicker and witness. It's a lot easier to buffalo a single stressed person at the bottom of the heap than someone with a useful ally. Failing that there may be some provision for taking an "advocate" (ally) in to bat with you - pick the least-bullyable person you know and have them bring a notebook and a pen.

Needless to say standing up for yourself will not make you popular, but frankly you shouldn't be concerned with whether the people who treat you this way like you or not. You can't make them like you, but you might be able to pull them into line.

I think, Sling, I would have a few words with your supervisor's supervisor. Something is not right here, and I would put some serious effort into fixing this. Otherwise, the next student teacher is going to have it even worse.

Stick with it. Please. You have come so far, there's no reason to let yourself down. You can do this, and win. We're pulling for you!

The advice is great! There is much I can use here, and much I needed very much to hear.

Thank you all.

I have tried to contact my supervisor's supervisor. She was my instructor in two edu classes last semester, and seemed impressed by me, and to like me.

She is not taking calls from any of us. I got it from another ST at my school, also one of my cohort at college, that he did reach her once, and she told him flatly she was too busy to take our calls, and we would have to work with our supervisors. I see this as her trying to keep us from immediately going over the sup's head, instead of working with him as we should. But I've tried working with him, and it didn't fix the problem. If she refuses to speak with us, however, there's nothing I can do that won't jeopardize my internship, or my evaluations, or my job potential. There's an opening at my school, and I want it. A squeaky wheel won't get hired.

I have to pucker up, I think, so what I need to know is how to deal with it.

I am so grateful for everyone's help, and so glad I decided to post. This is a great community, because of all of you.

I'll try the things you've suggested. It's not that I wanted someone to tell me exactly how to manage my classroom...I just don't know what kinds of things I should be trying.** But I have a better idea now, and you've no idea how much better even a clue makes me feel.

Can't thank you enough!

Sling.

ETA: **It's not that I wanted you to cook dinner; I just need to know what ingredients I have on hand to use.

Please keep us up to date on your progress. I would like to know how you go, especially if it doesn't work for you and we can be of assistance or give you support.

Slingblade,

You have my sympathies. THis is not an easy situation and I know exactly what you are talking about with 'leaky' eyes. I've not had that problem often, but it's awful when it happens.

I had such a problem with my professor. One I still have to study under. He was notorious for it and I was not the only woman who has left his office in tears. One girl I know talked about doing so every week for an entire semeter in order to learn what she needed to know. It takes great resolution and strength of charactor to continue.

I can, however, tell you what I have done. It sounds extremely hokey and trite, but I try to greet him at the beginning of class with a smile and 'good morning' or 'good afternoon'. It didn't change things overnight, and I can't say for sure that is what has changed things, but he's definitely become nicer to me and to his other students over the past 6 months.

Interestingly enough, and this is one reason I've started doing that, was when I was teaching one of the comments I received on my teaching was that I always greeted my class with "good morning" or "good afternoon" when I started. Some students really appreciated it.

It's hokey and trite, but if I recommend that if you aren't doing already doing that simple thing every time you see your mentors, their supervisor, or begin your class, give it a try.

Good luck. Teaching can be great fun!

Absolutely! I'll stay in touch. Thanks, Dog.

ETA: and Beth! I'm so glad someone understands about leaky eyes. It makes it so hard to be taken seriously when you're trying to resolve a conflict.

"I'd like to discuss this problem with you, but I'm afraid it's time to water my face."

The leaky eye thing is easily explained away by claiming contact lens irritation issues, or just plain allergies.

That might work, TM, but I have my doubts, since I only do this when I'm obviously upset. I am crying; it's just that I have no desire or will to cry, and cannot control it. In fact, attempting to control it only makes it worse.

But I will try your suggestion in future and see if it helps. Thanks!